Life with Seymour
by Coolduo123
Summary: Leblanc, Ormi, and Logos team up to observe and record the daily life of the great Maester Seymour! PG-13 for merciless tortue and mass murder of the Hypello! BURN STUPID HYPELLO!
1. Chapter 1: burn, baby burn!

Life with Seymour  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own FFX or X-2 Characters…   
  
Guadosalam  
  
--This takes place before the events of Baralai's Sphere--  
  
Leblanc: so… why are we here again???  
  
Logos: we're going to do a reality TV show a la Osbornes  
  
Leblanc: so we're going to live with???  
  
Ormi: I got no problem with this, our target is the Maester Seymour!!! BWAHAHA!!!  
  
Leblanc: THE Maester Seymour???  
  
Logos: Boss… put your self together… you have… -suspicious glance- the offering?  
  
Leblanc: um… -checks bag- yes…now, knock on the door, buffoon!!!  
  
Logos: YES BOSS… -knocks on the door-  
  
Tromell: why whose this? -looks at our FAVORITE trio-  
  
Leblanc: PREPARE FOR TROUBLE!  
  
Logos: MAKE THAT DOUBLE!  
  
Leblanc: TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM DEVASTATION!  
  
Logos: TO PROTECT THE SPHERE HUNTERS WITHIN IN OUR NATION!  
  
Leblanc: TO DENOUNCE THE EVILS OF TRUTH AND LOVE  
  
Logos: TO EXTEND OUR REACH TO THE SPHERES ABOVE!  
  
Leblanc: Leblanc!  
  
Logos: Logos!  
  
Leblanc: LEBLANC SYNDACATE BLAST OFF WITH THE SPEED OF LIGHT!  
  
Logos: SURRENDER YOUR SPHERES OR PREPARE TO FIGHT  
  
Ormi: MEOUTH! DAT'S RIGHT!   
  
Tromell: aw! Look at the trrrrick-or-trrrrreaterrrrs! Arrren't you a little old for doing that?   
  
(A/N Tromell rrrrrrrols his Rrrrrrrrrrrrs)  
  
Leblanc: -falls- WERE NOT TRICK OR TREATING!!!  
  
Tromell: whatever do you want?  
  
Leblanc: to pay tribute to Master Seymour, we bought the present…  
  
Tromell: -pokes bag-  
  
Barkeep: yesh? Mish Yoona, what can I do for you?  
  
Tromell: well, well, well, your all clear… but… Lord Seymourrr is currently busy rrright now…  
  
Ormi: more important than being on TV?!?  
  
Tromell: for Lord Seymour, its Torture the Hypello time, then he has a visitor and after THAT we have a summoner party coming in.  
  
Leblanc: ohhhh goodie! Now we can see our heroic manly Maester on the job!!! -takes camera and barges in-  
  
-in Seymour's private chambre, not chamber chamBRE-  
  
Seymour: SAY IT!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! *casts Fira*  
  
Hypello: ahhhhh itsh burnsh!!!  
  
Seymour: say it!  
  
Hypello: No!!! ish not a good idea, yesh?  
  
Seymour: JUST ONE MORE TIME!!! *casts thundara*  
  
Hypello: … ride…ze…shoopuf?   
  
Seymour: YES…er… NOOOOO!!! I HATE THAT, I HATE THAT!!! *Casts Blizzara Thundara, Watera and Fira in that order- SQUEAL IN PAIN!!!   
  
Hypello: nothing can shave me now? -dies-  
  
Seymour: I hate the Hypello… look at his twisted body!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! BLEED STUPID HYPELLO, BLEEEEEEEEED!!!   
  
-Tromell, Leblanc, Logos and Ormi walk in-  
  
Tromell: -sigh- third one this week, thank Yevon that I made up that phony tribute…  
  
Seymour: humph… now… clean up the mess… and after you dispose of THAT one… post it on my door so it can frighten the poor sphere hunters…  
  
Tromell: too late, there here…   
  
Seymour: oh! Good morrow to you! -does the Yevon Hand Gesture- I received the invoice, and I just killed my other sphere camera man so now I have replacements…   
  
-a hand is seen coming from under a table, Seymour casts Flare on the table-  
  
Seymour: -sniff, sniff- hmmm roasted Guado, my favorite treat!  
  
Leblanc: uh-oh…  
  
Logos: seeing the boss is to horrified to speak, I guess I will be starting the interview…  
  
Seymour: shoot  
  
Logos: why do you hate the hypello?  
  
Seymour: GRRRR STUPID HYPELLO, IM GOING TO KILL THEM ALL!!! RIDE ZE SHOOPUF??? IMPOSSHIBBLE!!! DIE STUPID BLUE THINGS, ONLY I CAN BE BLUE LA-BO-DE-LA-BO-DAI!!! MY ONLY INTENT IS TO DESTROY THE WORLD!!! CLEANSE US OF THE PAIN OF HAVING TO LISTEN TO THEM!!!  
  
Ormi: you obviously hit a nerve Logos…  
  
Leblanc: uh… stay tuned?   
  
________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Mwahahahaha… I hate the Hypello… but stay tuned for the next chapter, which includes Baralai, yeah!!! And more meaningless torturing of Hypello!!! Nothing can shave you now?  
  
PS. Flame me if you will… I'll use them to toast the poor Hypello!!! 


	2. Chapter 2: Baralai is a big baby

Life with Seymour  
  
AN: thanks for the reviews!!!   
  
Seymour's Chambre  
  
Seymour: welcome to my swingin' bachelor pad!  
  
Ormi: -whispers to Logos- he sounds so suave  
  
Logos: that's because there's no Hypello to torture  
  
Leblanc: he's sooooooo cool I'm in love~  
  
Logos: shall we start the interview?  
  
Seymour: be my guest!  
  
Leblanc: Tell me about yourself or great manly maester!  
  
Seymour: well… I'm half Guado/Human. That caused me quite a terrible/traumatizing childhood… my father, lord Jyscal, Yevon rest his soul (not really) couldn't stand me and sent me and my mother to Baaj Temple… there she was possessed by the idea that if she died and turned into a large mutated three day old fish in chains, that would help me with my loneliness… but…  
  
Leblanc: but?  
  
Seymour: SHE GAVE ME THE CREEPS!!! How you'd be an crazy madman too if your mom turned into this -Summons Anima-   
  
Anima: ROAR!!!  
  
Leblanc: PEE U!!! that thing stinks!  
  
Anima: GRRRR -Casts Pain-  
  
Guado guard: -dies-  
  
Leblanc: -sweat drop- uh… hi?  
  
Anima: (in a mommy-ish voice) Hello and good day, are you friends with my son?  
  
Leblanc: no, were basically using him so we can have a claim for his chateau when he dies!  
  
Anima: …well…anyway, isn't it cute that little Seymour still sleeps with his little Bahamut footie PJ's!  
  
Seymour: er… -Dismisses Anima- uh… would you like some tea?!? ^-^;; -everybody goes into the dining room  
  
Tromell: Lorrrrd Seymourrrr, the guest is herrrrre  
  
Seymour: send in the clowns!  
  
-Enter Baralai-  
  
Seymour: I wasn't serious, Tromell…  
  
Baralai: good afternoon lord Seymour -Yevon Hand Gesture-  
  
Seymour: welcome, there looks like you have a pretty good reason to see me if you brought 5 hypello for my sadistic pleasure! (Tromell keels over holding a large bag)  
  
Baralai: well I came to inform you that the Crimson Squad is no more, Master Kinoc betrayed us… and to add on to that, my friends betrayed me too, I have no idea who to turn too… -sniff sniff-  
  
Seymour: then why do you turn to me, for I too am a Maester of Yevon.  
  
Baralai: I don't need a ally, I just need a shoulder to cry on, and a band-aid, I just got shot in the back by my friend, however my emotional scar is bigger than the physical one…-breaks down, crying-  
  
Seymour: boo hoo, I have my own sob story too you know, and you don't see ME crying!  
  
Anima: I beg to differ…  
  
Seymour: piss off, mother  
  
Anima: pissing off, son (mother ALWAYS gets her revenge~)  
  
Seymour: my advice, grow some balls, get laid, and take two of these (hands Baralai a bag of "pills") and call me in the morning!  
  
Baralai: -sob- you're the best Milord! -Yevon Hang Gesture and goes away-  
  
Leblanc: wow… he has issues…  
  
Logos: like you don't, boss…  
  
Leblanc: huh? I'm the defender of love, men bow before me! Plus I also embody perfection!  
  
Ormi: so I guess Nooj isn't a man?  
  
Leblanc: hmm?  
  
Tromell: Lord Seymour, the Shoopuf carrrrrring Lady Yuna has arrrrived, shall I make preparations for my lords futurrre wife?  
  
Seymour: yes tee hee hee… but after that, I must kill the Hypello!!!  
  
-Seymour presses the hidden passageway to the interior of the Chateau which leads to a Specialize Hypello Torture Chamber, not chamBRE, chambER-  
  
A/N ok, Seymour tortured the hypello… I'm not going to put what I ORIGINALLY had because FF.net doesn't allow NC-17 material… just to let you know how bad it was, lets say that Leblanc, Ormi and Logos needed to seek therapy after that session. Tromell doesn't because he seen it ALL before and was only surprised when Seymour decided to castrate the Hypello…  
  
Seymour: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! NOTHING CAN SHAVE YOU NOW!!! OoOoOoOoOo that just gave me an idea! -Skins Hypello with shaving razor- MWAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Tromell: -Yawn- Lady Yuna is here  
  
Seymour: buy some time, I must wash my pretty hands!  
  
Leblanc: I NEVER want to go in there AGAIN!!! -cries hysterically-  
  
Logos: MOMMY!!!  
  
Ormi: MOO!!!  
  
______________________________________________________________________________  
  
As for what happened in Seymour's torture chamber, ill leave that up to your imagination to find out what happened…  
  
Stay tuned for more Hypello torturing and Lady Yunalesbo!!! Woo hoo!!! 


	3. Chapter 3: Lady Yunalesbo goes PMS

Life with Seymour  
  
AN: Thanks for the reviews! I really appreciate it when people review, flames are also accepted cause I need something to burn and torture the Hypello Slaves I have in my basement… enough said… on with the show!  
  
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Torture Chamber in Seymour's Cheatau  
  
(Leblanc walks up to the door and listens to the screams coming from within because she's nosey)  
  
Seymour: HARDER!!! (whip) HARDER!!!  
  
Logos and Ormi: ugh!!! Yes boss!  
  
Hypello: oh!!!   
  
Seymour: FASTER!!! (whip) FASTER!!!  
  
Ormi: Logos, he's too hard!!!   
  
Logos: I can't take it any more!!!  
  
Seymour: HARDER!!! BEFORE I HAVE TO BREAK OUT THE HANDCUFFS!!!  
  
Hypello: shtop!!!  
  
Leblanc: (thinks of the worse possible thing) oh Yevon (faints and the door opens)  
  
Hypello: (on rack)  
  
(Logos and Ormi: cranking the rack)  
  
(Seymour: sitting on his throne with a loud speaker and whip)  
  
(AN: they weren't doing what you think they were doing ;-)  
  
Tromell: ( stepping over the unconscious Leblanc) The lady Yuna is here!  
  
Seymour: (like a dog being called, this look is complete with the big watery eyes and tongue hanging stupidly from his mouth) YUNA??? Arf!!! Arf!!! ..-!!-;; I PEED MY PANTS!!! OH YEVON! THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS!!! LIKE THAT TIME, IN LUCA, I PISSED MY PANTS WHEN I SAW THOSE SCARY FIENDS BEFORE I FOUND OUT I SENT THEM OUT!!! Tee hee hee  
  
Ormi: that's something a Maester should say  
  
Seymour: (realizing what he said) uh… tee hee hee, pretend I didn't say it!  
  
Ormi: huh?  
  
Logos: (pokes Leblanc)  
  
Leblanc: (mumbling) Nojie, don't touch me there… you know that turns me into a horny adolescent!!!  
  
Logos: (sweat drops)  
  
Seymour: Tromell, code 1442457894-667884.782, stall the guest while I change my pants!  
  
Tromell: Stalling sir! (leaves)  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________  
  
Seymour's Living room  
  
Tidus: I'm bored, and I don't want to look at Seymour, so I'll just talk to everybody…  
  
Yuna: What does he want with me?  
  
Wakka: and they say I'M dense!  
  
Kimarhi: Kimarhi no like Maester Seymour  
  
Yuna: Say it loud enough, shhhh!  
  
Kimarhi: Kimarhi shut up now.  
  
Wakka: nothing 'gainst the Maester, but this place stinks!  
  
Rikku: yum! This food is goooooood!!!  
  
Auron: Stay on you guard  
  
Tidus: The guy's a priest, what's he gonna do, molest us?  
  
Auron: (looks at Yuna) I wouldn't be surprised if he tried…'people with power use it'   
  
Tidus: riiight… lets see what Mrs. Know-it-all has to say…without my asking, mind you  
  
Lulu: there is no temple in Guadosalam, so people come here to mainly go to the farplane or make fun of the Guado…   
  
Tidus: if I want an explanation, ill ask Maechen…I didn't even ask and your explaining things!  
  
Lulu: you rather I say nothing then? (glare) -Say something and you can say goodbye to your manhood-  
  
Tidus: AHH!!!   
  
Tromell: (looks at Rikku, whose stuffing her face in… "Stuff", mumbles) sucker… (louder) It is good to have guests again… these halls have been eerily silent since Lord Jyscal kicked the bucket…   
  
Tidus: hey Wakka, was Jyscal so great?  
  
Wakka: ya, he brought the teachings of Yevon to the Guado, he truly is a great man  
  
Tromell: you don't know half of it, but don't fear Lord Seymour promises to bind the races of the Guado and humans together!  
  
Seymour: that's enough, Tromell, must I always endure such praise?  
  
Tromell: -leaves-  
  
Yuna: -gasp- he is sooooo charming  
  
Tidus: -rolls eyes-  
  
Seymour: please my lady, take in my oh-so ogling body as I suavely show everybody a very nostalgic look into the past! ( its so hard to impress people with big words!)  
  
Yuna: -taking in- oh!!! Its so pretty!!!  
  
Tidoofus: yawn this is just a regular Saturday night in Zanarkand! I was ALL over the place  
  
Auron: except you never go laid by a SINGLE girl -smirk-  
  
Tidoofus: waaaaaaaaaa~  
  
Lulu: Auron, you rule! (High-Five Auron) Rikku: This fruit tastes like $h!t!  
  
Seymour: tee hee hee, you have no idea… this sphere is the collected recording of the thoughts of the dead that roam the Farplane  
  
All: ooOOOOoo!  
  
Seymour: She too lived in this Metropolis!  
  
Yuna: she who?  
  
Seymour: don't mind my evil glare as I say nothing until…  
  
Yuna: Lady Yunalesbo?  
  
Seymour: yessiree! Yunalesbo and lord Zaon lived here, and like her, you must form an unbreakable bond of love to defeat Sin, you know, someone hot, sexy and original… someone like…  
  
Yuna: Justin Timberlake? (drolls)  
  
All the guys: EW!!!  
  
Seymour: Yevon no!  
  
Yuna: Johnny Depp?  
  
Seymour ^~^;; no, but your getting warmer!  
  
Yuna: hmmm… Orlando Bloomers?   
  
Seymour: -looking at his nails- NO!!!  
  
Yuna: -giggle- barkeep, the hypello?  
  
Seymour -twitch- HYPELLO?!? WHERE?!? -Randomly casts Firaga around the room and hits Yunalesbo-  
  
Yunalesbo: you messed with the wrong bitch, bitch! -pulls out her big Medusa like 'thing'- RA!!!  
  
Seymour: (presses the "power button" that makes Yunalesbo go away) well that's your foreshadowing for today… but…(Whispers into Yuna's ear) will you marry me?  
  
Yuna: -twitch- HOLY YEVON I NEED A DRINK!  
  
Rikku: you look beat red!  
  
Yuna: he… asked… me… to…-pause-  
  
Wakka: What? To what?  
  
Yuna: to…  
  
Rikku: oh goodie, a guessing game!  
  
Lulu: me first! He asked you to dance?  
  
Wakka: puh! that's corny Lu, he asked her to do a little striptease, right?  
  
Seymour: -giggle-  
  
Leblanc: -she was always there FYI- you dirty little man! -slaps Seymour-  
  
Yuna: he asked me… to… marry him!?  
  
Everybody: -GASP!-  
  
Seymour: that's correct, I have the "urge to merge!" but right now… I want to… dance! -starts dancing-  
  
Auron: lets make like a tree and leaf!  
  
Ormi: who taught you that?  
  
Logos: Professor Oak? *AN a little more Team Rocket Humor-  
  
Auron: Spira isn't a play house!  
  
Seymour: yes it is, and you ALL are my little puppets in my scheme of world domination, and besides, why are you still here?  
  
Auron: -silence-  
  
Seymour: er… forgive me… we guado are keen to the smell of the Farplane  
  
Tidoofus: sniff, sniff, Pee you Auron, you need a bath!  
  
Auron: Dumbass -pushes Tidus out of way-  
  
(Party starts to leave)  
  
Seymour: WAIT!!! I INVITE YOU TO WATCH MY OWN PERSONAL HYPELLO SLAVE CAN-CAN DANCERS/TORTURE OBJECTS!!!   
  
(party leaves faster)  
  
Seymour: aw man, its no fun torturing hypello without company…(stares at Leblanc, Ormi, Logos and Tromell) tee…hee…hee…  
  
(The hypello start doing the Can-can)  
  
Seymour: la la la la la la LA LA (casts Fira) lalalala la la la lalala (casts Blizzara)  
  
Hypello: why cant thish shtop!!! Yevon have Merchy!  
  
Ormi: There's have…to… be… laws against…ew…  
  
Logos: the Brutality!  
  
Leblanc: (in hopeless housewife voice) noojie! Where are you? I need you!  
  
Ormi and logos: puke  
  
_____________________________________________________________________________ Once again, thank you for the reviews…   
  
in the next chapter: Seymour tells us if his sad, tragic past just in time for when our protagonists find Jyscal! 


	4. Chapter 4 Kuja appears!

Life with Seymour   
  
Chapter 4  
  
Thanks for the great reviews!  
  
______________________________  
  
Seymour: -kills the last can-can hypello- yee haw! That was invigorating!  
  
Logos: uh… if you say so…  
  
Leblanc: So… Seymour, tell me about your father, I bet he wasn't the man he was behind the scenes!  
  
Tromell: you asked for it… -leaves-  
  
Seymour: upon his untimely (and very sadistically satisfying death) I found that he had a very bad toe-sucking fetish and had a porno stash the size of Bevelle inside his Chamber!  
  
Leblanc: er…wow… was he… a… GOOD father?  
  
Seymour: hell no, that's why I was so happy when I finally killed him!  
  
Ormi: huh? Lord Jyscal, the one guado who sought to better our relationship with the Guado, was killed by his half breed son?  
  
Seymour: -twitches at the word "half breed" and casts Blizzara on him- Never say that again! -evil glare-  
  
Tromell: -appears- Lord Seymour, terrible news, Lord Jyscal came back from -ominous look- the grave and to make matters worse… right in front of Lady Yuna and co.!  
  
Logos: speak of the Devil…  
  
Seymour: I know, right? All right guys, road trip! We need to be ready now, before lady Yuna can come and put me on the spot… because I am still the stereotypical "good-guy-whom-everybody-knows-will-be-the-bad-guy-later" part until Macalania…   
  
Logos: how bout we go to Luca! We can scope out the "hot babes"!  
  
Ormi: or to Gagazet, you guys are at least on speaking terms with the Ronso, right?  
  
Leblanc: or to Baaj Tem-  
  
Seymour: no -twitch-  
  
Leblanc: why? -everybody glares at Leblanc- what, do you guys expect me to know exactly WHY he hates that place?!?  
  
Baralai: -poofs out of nowhere- excuse me oh, gracious Maester -Yevon Hand Gesture- why don't we go to your Temple of Macalania? They'll never find us there!  
  
Seymour: Macarena? …oh MACALANIA!!! Oh yes… that's a good idea, good Baralai,-gives Baralai a cookie- and if we avoid annoying NPC's they'll never find us! Mwahahahaha… I'm SO brilliant! But first, let me liquidate the rest of my hypello hostages! To the torturer chamber! Torture Chamber…  
  
Seymour: tee hee hee… now you all die!!! -presses the liquidation button-  
  
Hypello: NOOOOOOOO!!! WHAT HAVE WE DONE WRONG!?!  
  
Seymour: as far as I'm concerned… nothing  
  
Hypello: then why doo yoo torturesh ush?  
  
Seymour: because I need to take out my twisted-ness on you until I am exposed for the evil bastard I am and kill people of importance… also because of your DAMNED LISP!!!   
  
Hypello: -diesh-  
  
Seymour: now, everybody, pack now, you have 5 minutes or I'm leaving without you!  
  
Leblanc: shit! I need to skedaddle!   
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
5 minuets later  
  
Leblanc: -carrying a large baggage- Ormi, Logos, carry my baggage!  
  
Logos + Ormi: yes boss…  
  
Ormi: what are you caring?  
  
Leblanc: my little purse…  
  
Ormi: damn…  
  
Tromell: were all ready Maester!  
  
Seymour: I'm coming!!!  
  
Logos: are those… Bahamut footie PJ's?  
  
Seymour: why…-looks at baggage complete with Bahamut footie poking out- opps…-stuffs the PJ's into an overstuffed baggage-  
  
Leblanc: I'm SOOOO glad I didn't bring embarrassing PJ's!  
  
Logos: then what are… -holds up a diary- THIS?  
  
Leblanc: SHIT!!!  
  
Logos: and this? -holds up a lesbian porn magazine with Lulu on the cover-  
  
Leblanc: -blush- uh…t-t-t-hats not mine…it's Noojie's! it's the only thing he let me steal from his room, and…tee hee hee… he left some of himself on there… Logos: -drops magazine- ew… I need to wash my hands…  
(A/N if you don't know what I mean, then your too young)  
  
Leblanc: -looks through her baggage- heeeeey where is my purple metal thong?  
  
Ormi: I thought I saw Logos run off with it…  
  
Seymour: purple metal thong? Perchance, did you get that from Kuja, my bestest friend in the whole wide world?  
  
Leblanc: as a matter of fact…  
  
Kuja: -poofs out of nowhere clad in a Quality Inn complementary bath robe and shower cap- GOD DAMMIT!!! how come every time I take a bath, SOMEONE steals my clothes!!!  
  
Leblanc: -blushes- uh…see that tall perverted man over there? -points to Logos-  
  
Kuja: the one who looks like he saw something really nasty?   
  
Ormi: ya know what? He was too shocked to see my oh-so perfect naked body  
  
Leblanc: in that case, I wouldn't' be able to see!!!  
  
Logos: no…-gets hit with Kuja's Flare star-  
  
Seymour: Kuja, my man whassup? -does a secret "best friend handshake"-  
  
Kuja: nothing ma man! Just planning a hostile takeover of Gaia, you?  
  
Seymour: same…but with Spira…  
  
Kuja: need help?  
  
Seymour: tee hee hee… this will be great!  
  
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wow…sorry for taking such a LONG time to update… and sorry that its TOO short…I'll write more soon! 


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